Is Fear of Judgement the Cause of Gatekeeping?

My five-year-old started dance in September and it has been a struggle. Once she’s in the classroom for more than two minutes, she has the time of her life, but getting her to go into the classroom (and stay), has been rough.

Last night, in one of the brief moments that she went in to “check it out,” another mom said to me “Are you above bribes?”

My answer, “Of course not, give me all of your tips!”

Not only did this mom go on to share exactly how she uses skittles to get her kid to participate for the entirety of the class, it opened up a full info-sharing discussion where several other parents shared their tips and tricks for getting their kids to participate in class.

The last two months, I’d been in awe of these other parents, who seamlessly got their kids to attend class, when, in reality, they had also faced a struggle, but had a tool or strategy to aid them in the process.

As a caregiver, sometimes “bribery” carries a stigma around it (when in reality, it is a form of positive reinforcement for a desired behavior). I can see why this parent didn’t say anything the first time she noticed me struggling. Would she be judged?

It made me think about where else this shows up, and why we might not share a tool or strategy that is helping us to do something difficult.

• Is it because we’re afraid to be judged for needing a tool, when something seems to come easily to everyone else? (When, they might be struggling just as much.)

• Is it because we’re afraid that others will judge the tool or strategy itself?

How might we be gatekeeping genuinely helpful tips and tricks simply because of a fear of judgement? *Side note – this is not to say that, in a corporate capacity, that bribery or unethical behavior should not be scrutinized. *

 How might sharing this tool open others up to succeed, or even share their tips and tricks?

What is a tip, tool or strategy that you’ve shared (maybe with some trepidation,) that ended up helping someone else?